Turkish Star Wars

*Originally published 8/26/09




Before I begin, I want to apologize in advance if this article is off. This movie seriously broke my brain and wounded my soul. I'm surprised I'm even able to write this article written let alone others I'll have to do later today. If you feel you have to watch this movie (and I really advise against it, I really frikkin do). You can watch it here.

I came across this movie via The Spoony Experiment. Now, I've seen some bad movies in my day, but this one takes the cake. I mean...words really can't describe it.

We may have made Transformers 2, Twilight, and Catwoman, but we have the distinct honor of having not made this film. It's only ninety minutes long, but it's the longest ninety minutes you will ever experience, I assure you. If anyone ever goes on some pseudo-intellectual rant about how foreign films are superior and more artistic, promptly point them to this movie.

The script is atrocious. It's not that the subs are badly translated, well okay there's that too, but half of this dialogue makes no sense whatsoever. As such, it's impossible to give an adequate film summary. I honestly have no clue what I just saw. There were people in bad costumes engaging in poor stage combat, and ummm papier-mache weaponry. Something about a wizard and brains and zombies and yeah, it really made no sense.

Even with subtitles, for some reason the actors' mouth movements don't match the sounds. A lot of the time, the dialogue doesn't start until well after the person has stopped speaking, and the mouth movements look random. Either it was dubbed in a third language or the cast wasn't even trying. My money's on the latter.

This movie is infamous for its blatant use of footage from Star Wars, hence the nickname. The movie is courteous enough to steal from all sorts of other science fiction as well. You'll also notice the theme to Indiana Jones is rather prominent in this movie. I actually think this movie used the Indy theme song more than the Indy movies did.

The editing is ridiculous, things just appear out of nowhere and it jumps back and forth with no real grip on what's going on. To say that the climax is a cluster$%#@ is putting it very lightly. I defy you to try to make sense of the last ten minutes of this film, heck I defy you to make sense of any of it. You know what? Don't bother, trust me, you're better off not watching this movie.

The only benefit of watching this movie is that the emergence of Cthulu will be nothing to you after witnessing the mind-screw that is this movie; it puts Boogiebop Phantom to shame. I have no experience making movies, and I could put together something better, even with my limited resources. I don't get how a movie can be this bad.

The editing is a joke, most of the footage is recycled repeatedly, and the cuts and transitions aren't smooth. The choreography on the fight scenes is also ridiculous.

It has some riffability, but not enough to make the movie worth watching. Everything is so haphazard and random that you can't mock it because you don't even know what's going on. The characters have no names, the story has no consistency, and the film direction is cheap and amateurish.

You know, this movie fails in pretty much every aspect. You could give a 5 year old a camcorder, send them out to the back yard with some friends for an hour or so, and they will bring back a movie that is more coherent than this. It has some riffability, but the movie is just painful to watch. This is coming from a guy who defends Batman: The Movie, Howard the Duck, and Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

This movie is bad. It's terrible. There is little, if any, redeeming quality to it. It's a permanent stain upon the fine art of cinema, so of course, they had to make a sequel. I don't know how available this movie is. It's obscure even by obscure movie geek standards, so the plus side is that unless you actively search for it, odds are slim that you won't come across it. Again, I advise you not to click the link above. Just walk away. Just walk away.



You can also read my reviewstream review of the film here.