Cthulu's a punk

*Originally published on 11/8/10


When it comes to villains, you don't get much bigger than Cthulu, an extra-dimensional entity that is so far beyond our understanding, and so horrifyingly alien that to even gaze upon him would drive you mad. When it comes to coming up with an ultimate villain, the Big C is hard to top.

The more I think about it, the less I buy it. He's just a monster with tentacles for mouths. I'm not sure how simply looking at that would drive you insane. Maybe it would've worked decades ago when bikinis were risque and inter-racial relationships were seriously frowned upon, but in this day and age, I don't buy it. You really think that in a world where "2 Girls One Cup" has been seen by thousands, that a giant squid monster is really going to break us?

On the contrary, we've seen things that, I would argue, are likely to drive it mad.

I myself have witnessed the utter madness of Turkish Star Wars, read the inane rambling that is the My Immortal fan-fiction, endured the utter horridness of Dead Leaves, bore witness to the four Wendy's training videos, not to mention more mainstream abominations like Catwoman and Transformers 2. Oh yeah, and let's not forget the last 30 seconds of Sleepaway Camp.

Sorry Cthulu, you just don't have it anymore. In fairness, no horror can match up to the aforementioned list. You had a good run, but unfortunately, the world moved on and has seen things that were never meant to be seen.

Oh, but you're missing the point. It's not Cthulu's appearance, but his utter indifference that drives you mad. The realization that you don't matter to him will destroy your mind.

I care what he thinks because? You know, so many characters have contempt for Earth or humanity, but then do something incredibly stupid to completely ruin and negate their argument. Every villain in Dragonball Z goes on at length about how Earth is so puny and worthless, yet that's the one planet they're hell bent on conquering. Dr. Manhattan condemns humans for not doing anything significant, and then spends his time on Mars building sand castles. So pardon me if I don't really hold Cthulu's opinion in high regard.

If his mind breaking powers are based solely on the idea that we give its views any merit, than it's not that much of a power as I couldn't care less what old squid face thinks of me.

Now, were Cthulu to rise up, I'm sure I would be frightened to a certain extent. It's a giant monster, it's natural. You make anything ten stories tall and it's going to be frightening: lizard, marshmallow man, labrador retriever. However, this idea that simply looking at it will drive me insane is daffy.

I think Cthulu is very much a product of his age. You'd think that being a great Old One would give it a timeless factor, and I suppose, to an extent, it has seeing as it's still a popular figure, but society's moved on and we've gotten to a point where its going to take more than a giant monster with a tentacle mouth to drive us mad.