* Originally published on 5/9/09
Much to my shock and dismay, it has come to my attention that many people do not have a zombie plan. What's a zombie plan, you ask? Put simply, it's what you plan on doing when zombies rise from the grave and overthrow society as we know it. You may think to yourself that there is no such thing as zombies, and as such, coming up with a plan is a waste of time. Consider this though, the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. Besides, in my humble opinion, it's better to be prepared for something that never happens than it is to be caught off guard by something (especially something of this magnitude) that you never would've considered a possibility. Fear not, as someone who has seen his fair share of zombie movies, I have some tips that will help you survive in the post-apocalyptic wasteland of Earth after it has been ravaged by hordes of the undead.
First, you need to pack heat. That's right, the second amendment ascends past a simple right and becomes a necessity in this new world. A lot of people lean towards wanting to carry assault rifles or machine guns. If you're a soldier who's capable of handling such a weapon, then by all means do so. If you are an avid hunter, your rifle will also be effective. I, personally, would lean more towards small arms, pistols and the like. They're easier to carry on your person and aren't as cumbersome. Whatever you're comfortable with works. With guns comes the need for ammunition. You are going to need a lot, and I mean A LOT, of bullets.
Some say that should the dead rise, there aren't enough bullets in the world to account for every zombie that would exist. As such, having some variety in your arsenal would be a good idea. I said in a previous article that Molotov cocktails would work well. This is true. They're easy to make quickly and can take out several zombies if you chuck one into a large mob. Whatever you use, you'll want range weapons. Zombies tend to attack en masse so a Bowie knife in a fight won't really do you a lot of good in this situation. You want to avoid hand to hand whenever possible. I know, zombies are slow and stupid so you may have the advantage at first, but it will be only a matter of time before they overpower you
You need to stay mobile. Your first instinct might just be to hunker down and secure yourself in a mall or grocery store. It may seem like a good idea at first, but once you trap yourself somewhere, you're trapped. You won't be able to escape as zombies have a tendency to pile up and surround certain locations and the zombies will eventually find a way in. Your best bet is to pull a Kerouac and go on the road. While you could live in a sedan, an RV or Winnebago would be ideal as it provides you with more space to store food and supplies.
Staying in groups will greatly increase your chances of survival. Like Left 4 Dead, if you try to go off on your own and act as some lone wolf, you'll get killed. Round up your friends and nearby family to create a posse. If one car isn't enough to hold all of you, well than you just need to form a convoy. If you come across other groups, join forces as that will allow you to pool resources and provides extra manpower. For some reason in movies, whenever zombies arise, everybody splinters off and starts only caring about themselves. If you come across a straggler who hasn't been bitten. Allow them into your band. You can't just leave your fellow man to die. That is the fast track to annihilation.
I know we've all become jaded and cynical over the years. That's certainly been the case for me, but despite this, I do still, deep down, believe that when something big goes down and push comes to shove, all of our petty differences will be put aside and we'd step up and have each other's back. Batman said it best, "People deserve to have their faith rewarded" so when the poo really does hit the fan, if we could all finally band together and prove the idealists right, that would be just dandy.
There is another issue that needs to be addressed, repopulation. I know, most guys think, "Sweet, we have to start making babies en masse giggity giggity". While this is true in a sense, this doesn't mean that just because you come across a female on your journey that she needs to submit her body to you. Show some class! While movies often make the comparison that the zombies are us in order to make an allegory, I disagree. We still have our humanity while they are empty shells. Even if the situation gets as dire as it would in a zombie uprising, we can't lose that humanity.
For some reason in movies, people waste ammo pumping bullets into the zombies' chests. Early on, when you aren't aware of the situation this is forgivable. However, when it becomes obvious that you're dealing with zombies shoot them in the head, the head! You could cut them in half and the result would just be 2 half zombies lumbering towards you. Fire and decapitation will take them out as well. Your main method of zombie killing will be the, as Halo players so eloquently put it, "Boom, headshot". Anything else is just wasted bullets.
If you're bitten, than odds are that you are soon going to become a zombie yourself. It's possible, albeit highly unlikely, that it won't have this effect. If that is the case than all you need to do is tend to the wound. However, chances are good that you only have a short amount of time left as a human being. Most religions cite suicide as a mortal sin. If you do get bitten, you'll want someone to pull an Old Yeller on you. I know, it sounds harsh and it will be emotionally nerve wracking for both parties, but death in this case is the better alternative. You'll be doing the bite victim a favor as well as keeping yourself out of future danger when he or she does turn. If you are an atheist or don't believe in an afterlife than the issue is moot and you are free to kill yourself; again, only if a zombie bites you, otherwise don't do that.
By following these simple tips you greatly increase your chance of surviving after the downfall of society. If and when the situation does arise, we may emerge victorious as long as we keep our wits about us and be prepared. Unlike people in the movies, when zombies do arise, we'll be ready for em.
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