This may seem like a rip on Stephen Colbert's threatdown. It does bear a resemblance, however, where his threats come from current events, my list is based heavily on what I've seen on film or in books. In no particular order, the worst things to come across are...
1. Oompa Loompas
When people talk about being scarred by Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, they will often cite that one scene in the tunnel where Gene Wilder recites that odd poem while everything goes dark. It's an intense scene, to be sure, but for me the most disturbing thing in this movie was the oompa loompas. I hate those things! They're short, orange, have green hair, and chant in unison. They don't belong in a candy factory, they belong back in hell where they came from!
It wasn't even like the things were all that friendly. On the contrary, they were almost harbingers of doom. When Wonka called out the oompa loompas, you knew someone was going to get messed up big time. My first thought upon first seeing them during my original viewing of the movie was, and I quote, "Gah kill em!" If you should come across any oompa loompas, or even just one, kill it. Show it no mercy for it will not return the favor.
2. Clowns
This should be an obvious one, but a threat list without clowns is not an accurate threat list. These guys are creepy and evil. There isn't a man alive who isn't completely freaked out by these weirdos. Pennywise, Joker, those clowns from Pee Wee's Big Adventure, clowns are not to be approached. Most encounters with them end up being traumatic regardless of what age you are. Just stay away from them.
3. Aryan kids
Oh sure, they're all cute with their blond hair and bright blue eyes. But soon, those blue eyes start to glow in the dark, they start speaking in unison and before you know it, you're being sacrificed to He Who Walks Behind the Rows. Forget that mess.
4. Insects
Why we let these hell spawn live is beyond me. All they do is suck our blood, leave itchy welts, spread diseases (black plague anyone?), and sting or annoy us. A lot of people are allergic to bee stings which can be fatal. Those bastards killed Macaulay Culkin, and he is no one to be trifled with. Let us not forget that he has, on more than one occasion, outsmarted and overpowered Joe Pesci, no easy feat I assure you. Anything they can do, I'm sure we can find a way to do it better. The animals that feed on them can learn to do without. Our world would be better off.
And finally, 5. Internet message board posters
Net surfers get a bad rap. The more I surf, the more I realize this is not without good reason. There are a few good ones, bluray.com and this site have helpful, friendly, and intelligent posters, but if you were to go to newsarama, dccomics.com, aintitcool, or even somewhere as seemingly harmless as a livejournal community, you will find a very different internet. They're a hostile people who will whine and screech if you even hint at suggesting something that doesn't go in line with their delusional idea of what should be. Limit your time spent in such places for it is not time well spent.
Just remember that even the fictional threats we face are very real...wait what?
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